Inheritance Character Correction University
by Wokmistress
Summary: Sure the characters are cardboard, but what happens when Harry Potter and LotR characters try to teach them to be good characters? [ERAGON PARODY]
1. A Rude Awakening

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

Disclaimer: This is a _parody_. That means that while the characters technically belong to Christopher Paolini, in this story I am going to write funny (and potentially silly and cruel) things about them (and quite possibly C. P. too) and he can't do anything about it. Be warned- when Miss Kell's wrath is aroused, major violence is likely to ensue. Some mild language, mostly when teachers are provoked.

**Chapter 1- A Rude Awakening**

The room was completely silent. In the corner, on a small cot, a blond-haired boy sometimes called Eragon Shadeslayer lay sleeping. _Really, it's kind of ridiculous that he's called that, but you know, plot holes do happen._ His eyebrows sat before the table, hurriedly writing more descriptions of themselves for the upcoming book, supposedly titled _Empire_. _And that, you know, is the original author's fault. I never have dangling eyebrows. My eyebrows stay firmly where they belong. Most of the time_. Even though engaged in such an important task, when a green dragon snaked its head through the open door and into the room they were startled enough to jump back where they belonged above Eragon's eyes.

As the dragon proceeded to grip Eragon's shirt and drag him across the floor, he woke up and started yelling in complete terror.

_And you're the hero. _The dragon's voice echoed through his head, and he yelped in fright.

"Are you Shruikan?" he whimpered.

_Oh dear, _the dragon said, sympathy in its voice. _This is the first time I've actually pitied Miss Underleaf. I'm _green, _idiot. Don't even you know Shruikan is black? Come on. _With that, it dropped Eragon onto its back, where a saddle was conveniently placed, and took off. As it rose into the air, other dragons joined it, some oddly colored, each carrying Inheritance characters on it.

For a moment, Eragon saw Arya riding a hot pink dragon, and his heart leaped. Then she stuck out her tongue and he winced. The dragon chuckled deep in its throat, and he felt the vibrations. After what seemed ages, the dragons started to circle. One by one they descended to land on a green field just long enough to tumble their riders off and then take off again, vanishing in mid-takeoff.

Eragon gasped as he hit the ground, the wind knocked out of him as he rolled into Murtagh, who was jumping up. Murtagh growled something under his breath and gave him a hand up before hurrying away towards the relative safety of the steps of the huge castle before them. _Personally, I don't know why Murtagh bothers_.

"Neither do I," Murtagh yelled up at the sky. _Which is ridiculous, because the Author never, ever sits in the sky. They prefer to remain invisibly following along with their beloved- or not so beloved- characters, often poking them in the right direction_._ Besides, he couldn't have really heard me._

"Ha," Murtagh snorted. "I hear every word you say." _I begin to sense a slight problem. He'll have to be silenced._

Eragon, not knowing what else to do, followed him. Soon all of the characters were milling around, uncertain of what to do and where they were- not to mention how they had gotten there. _Which was kind of stupid, as they had all woken up on a dragon, so obviously they had gotten here by dragon. Duh!_ Some of the dragons had resorted to knocking them out before seating them, apparently.

Arya walked over to a large willow whose branches were stirring ominously. Just as she reached out to stroke one of the branches, a brisk voice rang out. _I had to save her for the rest of the story- but don't worry, she'll get what's coming her someday- I hope_.

"I wouldn't touch that if I were you!" Everyone turned and stared at the woman walking towards them, instinctively drawing close together. "That's the Whomping Willow, you see. It's been known to do strange things to people. Such as beat them black and blue." By now the woman was standing near them. She smiled pityingly at them. "Welcome to Hogwarts. We've requisitioned it and the characters for a few classes to turn you into good characters."

"But… we are good characters!" Brom protested.

"And where's Sapphira?

"Thorn?"

"Shruikan?" the owners asked, anxious about their dragons.

"And where's Hogwarts?" Everyone turned and looked expectantly at the woman, who took a deep breath.

"Hogwarts is a wizarding school from another series- a _good_ series. No, you are _not_ good characters. The dragons had to be sedated for transportation. I believe Charles Weasley and his friends should be arriving with them soon." She smiled brightly at Galbatorix, Murtagh, and Eragon, who looked like they'd seen ghosts _or whatever equivalent thing there was in Alagaesia- it gets really confusing when everyone is an atheist, you know- except for the dwarves, who rock_.

The rest merely looked like they'd seen something horrible. Very horrible. _Which would be the fact that Miss Celia's hair was changing colors- occasionally even the most _serious_ authors like to indulge in omnipotence_.

"My name is Celia Underleaf, General Manager of Inheritance Character Correction University. Welcome to your first day." A general babbling broke out as Miss Celia exited back through the huge front doors and everyone broke up into groups, automatically seeking comfort among their own.

Murtagh, Elva, Durza, Arya and several Urgals all clustered together, while to one side of them the Varden, Eragon and several other 'good guys' gathered. It was perhaps inevitable that on the other side Galbatorix, the Ra'zac and the rest of the 'bad guys' huddled, shooting baleful glances at the good guys and the 'inbetween.'

It wasn't long before the doors opened again and three people walked out. In the middle was a towering man, fully twice the size of the other two, both of whom were fairly tall themselves. He carried a pink, flowered umbrella that he held warily in front of himself as he circled them to the back.

Of the other two, one was a handsome man with long black hair, sparkling eyes, and a wand that he held carelessly as he moved to one side of the door, and the other a redheaded man who looked anxiously around him, his wand firmly held as he moved opposite the black haired man.

"Aw' righ', move on!" the giant man behind them roared, poking at them with his umbrella. "Into the hall!" Nervously, the characters scurried along, herded by the giant behind and the two men on either side of the door. As they passed through the hall and into the dining hall, Harry pulled Celia aside.

"Miss Underleaf?" he asked nervously.

"Yes?"

"I have a question."

"Um-hum?" Harry pointed to Eragon reluctantly.

"Is… is that the hero?" he questioned. Her face turned grim and she nodded slowly and sadly.

"I'm afraid so."

"But… but… he's a bloody vegetarian!"

"Mr. Potter, Dudley Dursley has been affecting your language," she reproved gently. She paused a moment, then added kindly. "I know what you mean. I'd really rather not have to deal with this bunch. But you know what the contract says. 'I hereby promise to aid all hopeless authors by giving their characters classes as outlined below." Harry still looked anxious.

"Bloody hell," he said. "And I'm supposed to teach him heroism. Bloody, bloody hell."

"Mr. Potter," Celia said reprovingly. _And she was quite right. You can't teach heroism and be constantly cursing as well. All right, maybe you can. But you're bound to come up with some twisted characters. Come to think of it, that just might help Inheritance. Hmm….._


	2. Characters, Classes and Indecision

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 2- Cowards, Classes, and Indecision**

"All right," Celia said, looking down at the mass of characters sitting at the tables in front of her. "I suppose you understand what's happening?" Her voice was hopeful, but tinged with early defeatism _not that that really counts, you know, but being the Author, I deserve to stick such things in once in a while_.

Naturally, the roar of words that erupted from the tables had nothing to do with understanding, but rather complete un-understanding _which isn't a word, but quite an interesting thing to think about_.

"Well then, let me explain." She took a deep breath, looked around her in almost anguish, and then plunged in. "Over what will seem to you the next few years, but will really be a blink of time for Christopher Paolini, you will be staying here and taking classes on characterization. This will help your author immensely. The purple prose will have to be dealt with by- well, it will be dealt with." _I'd say she smiled grimly, but that would be clichéd, wouldn't it? Besides, she didn't really, she more like looked sadistic. Poor characters_. "Your schedules will be handed out to you in a moment. All villains, sit at the black tables. All heroes/good guys sit at the yellow tables, and all undecided at the green tables." She turned around and looked at Albus Dumbledore, grinning. "It was a good idea to have the hero tables painted yellow," she said happily.

"Yes," he agreed cheerfully. "That was definitely a good call." Behind them the first taunts of 'yellow bellied cowards' had begun.

--------

"Where are the Middle Earth people?" Celia said impatiently. Beside her, McGonagall shrugged. The two bore a rather surprising resemblance. _Well, not really that surprising, since they are quite alike. You know._

"What does Security think of the new students?" McGonagall asked dryly.

"I think," said a cheerful voice behind them, "that they are nincompoops." Celia turned and surveyed the teenage girl behind her.

"You dyed your hair again?" she asked disapprovingly.

"Hey, I warned you when you picked me up! Now that my mom can't tell me not to, I full intend to." She shrugged and sat down on the step. Behind the aviator sunglasses her eyes were intently watching the yard. She sprang up again in a moment. _Much too active a girl, I mean really!_ "They're coming out by the Whomping Willow!" she yelled. Brandishing a wok, she was followed by Celia and McGonagall, who both looked rather startled at the wok's sudden appearance. But the girl outdistanced them rather easily, and was whacking the Willow as Gandalf strolled out of a shimmering patch.

One by one others came out- Legolas, Arwen, Elrond, Faramir, Aragorn, Gimli, Eowyn, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Sauron, Morgoth, Galadriel, several others- and a few random elves. Celia frowned at this latest addition. Last came Treebeard.

The wokking girl skipped backwards out of the Willow's reach and turned to grin at the newest arrivals.

"Hello!" she said cheerfully. "I'm Miss Kelly, Head of Security. You can call me Miss Kell." She stuck out her hand and shook Gandalf's hand vigorously. He looked at her in what would in any other person have been called alarm. She sported deep purple streaks in dark brown hair, outlandish bronze aviator sunglasses, and silver hoop earrings that Legolas privately thought would count among some of the easier of his targets.

"Hmmm…. What were you hitting the tree with?" Gimli asked.

"A wok."

"Do you use any other weapons?"

"Sporks, reality, good books, and canon-ness." She grinned happily.

"Mmmm…." Gandalf murmured non-commitally. _I would do the same thing. Not an ordinary girl at all._

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Back at the castle, things weren't going too well. The bad guys had decided the good guys, and the inbetween guys were caught- well, inbetween- and it looked like all hell had broken loose. Not having a hell, obviously this would confuse the Inheritance Elves. So Kell rephrased it in her head to the elves satisfaction. Not that she cared, of course.

"QUIET!" she roared. Nothing happened. She turned and looked at Dumbledore helplessly, who looked at Gandalf, who nodded. Together they muttered something and a huge dragon of fireworks erupted from the far end of the room, changing to sparkles when the called-for quiet ensued.

"I'm Kelly, Head of Security. Most people call me Kell. And that's _Miss_ Kell to y'all. Now, this is what I can't stand." She cleared her throat, pulled out a piece of parchment from one of her many pockets, and read, "Kiss-ups." Pausing, she glared at them all. "You try that, it's Filch detention first time, Snape detention second, and _me_ detention third."

Still silence.

"Bullies. Wimps." She glanced down the list and finished rapidly. "Ambush attempts. Glomping attempts. And no inter-world romances." She glared pointedly at Arya, who had been practically drooling ever since Legolas came in and smiled at her. Then she cleared her throat again. "Finally, all murder attempts will be given the Ultimate DOOM Punishment. That goes for everyone- good guys, bad guys- even you undecideds." She waited for amoment and then beamed at them all. "I probably left a lot out, but that will do to start with. Good luck." As she stepped back, she muttered, "You're going to need it." Celia came forward.

"Now I'll introduce your teachers." One by one, she beckoned up the teachers and introduced them. Once she was finally finished, she said, "All the other people are here to help you generally. Please file out the doors now. Villains black door. Undecideds, green door, heroes, yellow door. There you will pick up your schedule and find your House Prefects, who will lead you to your Common Room." There was a mad rush for the doors. Celia turned to Gandalf and Dumbledore.

"It's going to be a long summer," the two men said together. There was a tiny pause before each roared out "Jinx!"

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"Galba-galba- Galbatorix!" Eragon yelled. Slowly, the Evil Emperor turned.

"What?" he hissed.

"What classes have you got?"

"Evil 101 with Sauron, Voldemort and Morgoth. History 101 with Dumbledore, Elrond and Faramir. Fighting & Magic 101 with Assorted Characters. What have you got?"

"Same as you, only I've got Heroism 101 instead of Evil 101. Heroism is taught by-" he squinted. "Harry Potter and Assorted LotR Characters." Arya strolled up, a wicked grin on her face.

"I've got Indecisiveness 101 with Snape, Malfoy, Gollum/Smeagol, and Wormtongue," she said informatively.

"Arya," Eragon breathed, legs turning to jelly. That was when Aragorn came up.

"Look, you," he hissed, grabbing Eragon's shirt and backing him up against the wall, "I don't know _what_ your problem is, but from now on, it's not going to be stealing my name and trying to be a carbon copy of me. In a duel, I'd win any day. From now on, you'd better start answering to Bob." Aragorn started to turn away.

"But I don't like that name," Eragon protested.

He woke up the next morning still rather dazed. It was a while before he thought to wonder what Arya was doing in the undecided camp.


	3. First Day of Classes

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Warning**: This chapter contains spoilers for Harry Potter Books 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 (kind of obscure spoilers, but I figured I'd warn you guys) during Heroism 101 class.

**Chapter 3- First Classes**

_First day of classes, and I'm already exhausted_, Celia thought wearily. She had had the job of getting everybody their books, bags, parchment and quills before their first day of classes, and it had taken ages. She glanced at Kell, who was prowling beside her. The girl had already put several Urgals in detention for brawling in the halls, and judging by the way the Ra'zac had avoided her since yesterday, their punishment for attempting to ambush Brom had been swift and merciless. _Personally, I can't believe they actually thought they could pull it off… I mean, they couldn't do it in the book!_

Legolas hurried up, his face wearing a hunted expression that Celia could very easily imagine the cause of.

"Miss Celia, are the staff-rooms Inheritance character proof?"

"Yes, Legolas," Celia said.

"Good," he said in relief, then lowered his voice to a whisper. "Remember_, you didn't see me_." As he vanished, a sound very much like a pack of baying dogs could be heard. Kell whipped out her wok and waited, Celia behind her, eyes large. Finally the… well, thing- rounded the corner and halted for a moment at the sight of Kell's wok.

"Aren't Elves supposed to be serene or something?" Kell whispered. Celia nodded and gulped. The horde of girls, most of them Elvish, who were clawing at each other, looked anything but serene.

"Thank heavens I borrowed the mini-dragons," Kell said. It was a few seconds before small, brightly colored dragons were carrying all the girls away. "I did say no glomping attempts," Kell said meekly as she saw Celia's horrified expression.

---------

Eragon strolled into Heroism 101, feeling very smug and quite sure of himself. After all, wasn't he the hero of the book? This class should be a cinch. Had he listened more closely to the speeches made by Gandalf and Dumbledore, head of the good guys house, maybe he wouldn't have been so sure.

But he hadn't, and so when Harry Potter and two hobbits (Frodo & Sam) walked in, he continued smiling smugly.

"All right," Harry snapped. "Who here has the guys to be the heroes of a terrible book with all the odds against you?" Eragon confidently raised his hand. After all, he had a dragon, didn't he? Saphira, whose head was sticking in through the window, nodded vigorous agreement to his thoughts. Harry's eyebrows shot up, and everyone who _had_ listened to the speeches winced.

"Really?" Harry said. "You just volunteered. What do you have to angst about?"

"Well, the Empire is evil," Eragon began, then stopped uncertainly. Harry nodded and motioned for him to keep going. As he continued talking, he gained confidence. "It killed my uncle and is chasing me now. If I don't join them, they'll kill me and my dragon. Umm…." He paused and thought. "Oh, they employ Shades, which are evil creatures with maroon hair and eyes, and… and Ra'zac, who are nasty things that always wear cloaks!" Harry looked a bit stunned by this last bit of news, while Frodo put his head in his hands.

"Good god, is it that bad?" Harry asked. "Never mind, don't answer. Well, um, very … good. Now Frodo and I will explain true angst to you."

Frodo shook his head disbelievingly and muttered something along the lines of "dear Eru, the pain… the pain! My head!" Harry looked sympathetically at him. _Funny, that's how this Author tends to feel when she has to read Eragon for info for this little project_.

"Anyway. Voldemort is an evil wizard who has killed hundreds of people. He killed my parents, and tried to kill me, but his curse backfired and he almost died. He came back later though, and had a hand in the death of one my classmates, my godfather, headmaster, some of my best friends, parents of my godson, Petrification for several days of one of my best friends, and has made numerous attempts on my life. I have a mind link with him and must either die or destroy him." He smiled at Eragon _smirked really, but that is _so_ cliché._ "Frodo?"

"Sauron has done much evil, killed thousands of people, and most important of all, created a Ring that I carried for almost a year through danger, in constant fear, and in deadly danger of being enslaved by it," Frodo said, finally managing to stop muttering to himself

"Also," Harry resumed, "If you read the books we are in, you might notice that our angst passages are well written."

"All right," Frodo said, "Homework is to read 'Anst: Heroes Expressing Anger' Chapters 1-5 for tomorrow, 6-10 for Wednesday, 11-15 for Thursday, and 16-21 for Friday. A list is due tomorrow of ten good sources of angst." He paused and then snapped, "Well, why aren't you writing it down?" Even Eragon joined the scramble for paper and quill. Satisfied, Frodo continued, "I need a one foot essay by Friday on why Eragon's angst passages are one-dimensional and where they could be improved. Due Wednesday is a rewriting of one of the angst passages in Eragon or Eldest." He smiled broadly. "Since it is the first day of school, class is dismissed early. Tomorrow we'll be talking about angst in class, and you had better be taking notes. All books that you'll need can be found in your common room."

The class made a mad rush for the doors. Eragon looked back at the door and paused for a moment, confused. Harry was hitting his head on the wall muttering,

"Angst, angst, angst," while Frodo and Sam watched in sympathy.

--------

Indecisiveness 101 should be easy, Arya thought. You'd think that one of the teachers being the second-degree punishment for being a kiss-up would change her mind, but no. You see, Arya didn't think Miss Kell was that dangerous.

A belief that wouldn't take long to dispel.

Snape greeted the class civilly enough. The other three teachers were grouped behind him having some sort of serious discussion. The gleeful smiles on their faces should have clued her in, but Arya was being a ditz today. As normal.

"All right," Snape said briskly. "Roll-call." He looked down at the list in his hand and began. "Murtagh." A hand shot up from the back. "Assorted Urgals." A chorus grunts greeted him. "Durza." Snape frowned as Durza smiled a bit fearfully, raising his hand. "Islanzadi." Languidly she raised a white hand. "Sloan." The butcher raised a bloody hand as he scowled. "Elva." She looked at him about as eerily as she could. In other words, very.

"You're going to trip in two hours and three minutes," she announced.

"I already knew that," Snape said irritably. The girl settled back, disappointed. "Trianna." The seductress witch raised her hand as she smiled at him smoothly. "Assorted Elves, Dwarves, minor characters." Hands all over the room raised. "Angela." He frowned again as she confidently raised a hand. "Ah… Arya." Arya smiled at him. He regarded her. "Lose the feathers," he advised curtly.

Placing the paper down, he began to speak, ignoring Arya's exclamation of anger.

"Welcome to Indecisiveness 101. I have no clue what some of you are doing here-" he shot a dubious look at Durza, Arya and Angela. "But I still expect you to work hard at this class. We will be exploring the role of the character in the middle, the undecided person who can make a story tick or kill it. So….. what makes a character able to balance in the middle of a conflict?" He paused. "Urgals… why are you in the middle?"

"We want land… we fight for whoever give us land…" one of them grunted. Snape rolled his eyes.

"That is _not_ a middle character, you're just tools," he said dismissively. "Murtagh?"

"I'm the son of one of the bad guys, I'd like to be good, but Galbatorix bound me with oaths when he found out my true name."

"And _you_ are a walking cliché. Next?"

No one volunteered.

"You have got to be the worst class I've ever seen, and considering I taught Harry Potter for five years, that," he sneered, "Is saying a lot."

They came out of class almost an hour later with a flea in their ear and homework that he said should be simple enough for their "one-track minds." In other words, 10 chapters of 'Walking the Line: Not Giving Away Your True Siding in the First Ten Seconds' and a one foot essay on the best middle characters (pretty much, which ever teacher you thought could do the most damage to your sanity and body).

--------

Evilness 101 appeared to be going very well. Perhaps it was inevitable that the first class would be on evil cackling, and this was exactly what was happening, judging by the sounds issuing from the classroom. The loudest had to be Shruikan, who didn't seem to be able to get it just right.

"Very good," Voldemort said brightly (well, as brightly as an evil villain can manage). "Try it one more time." Again everyone cackled evilly (well, some cackled evilly and the rest kind of… cackled… weirdly. If it could even be called that.). Behind Voldemort on the podium Sauron and Morgoth were bickering. It had started quietly, but was getting louder by the second. Finally Voldemort turned around. "Would you shut up?" he hissed. "I'm trying to teach a class here."

When the smoke cleared, Voldemort was standing to one side, hands on hips and head cocked as he surveyed the smoking crater where he had been a moment before.

"Honestly, you'd think they'd remember I'm a _wizard_," he remarked. "Class dismissed, homework by the door." And he pulled out his wand as Sauron and Morgoth began advancing on him again. The class fled, picking up their homework on the way, which turned out to be _merely_ the first 10 chapters of 'The Villain's Handbook' and a two foot long essay on why Voldemort was a better villain than Morgoth and Sauron.

Funny. Looking back, they realized that was probably the best Evil 101 class they ever had.

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**Note**: Harry's little 'Angst' moment at the end of Heroism 101 is from Potter Puppet Pals, which is hilarious and found at (I think).

**Note 2**: I'm not sure of the seductress witch's name (I called her Trisha). Since I don't have a copy of Eldest, could someone set me right on that one? Thanks a lot!

**Later Edit**: This has been answered already…

**Review Answers**:

**Nick**: Hmm… Well, I'm sorry you don't like Harry Potter and LotR- I personally think they are both _brilliant_. I'm glad you like my story, though, and I hope you continue to like it!

**Tasha**: Strider is one of my favorite characters- he and Eragon are going to have more run-ins, I hope. It was rather inevitable that he got ticked off at Eragon. g

**Subieko**: Hehe…. I put several of the elves there, including that one who is horrible to Eragon (although to my mind, he's one of the realest characters). Do you remember his name? I'd love to do something with him.

**Later Edit**: Now have elf's name too.

**Teros**: No, they would get the Ultimate DOOM punishment (if they weren't dead). You'd just get detention.

**LaTuaCatante**: Why thank you! I'm glad you like it. I fully intend to keep posting. Since I'm on the subject, I should have two more chapters up soonish, and then


	4. Arya Makes Use of her Brain Cell

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 4- Arya Makes Use of Her Brain Cell**

Everybody streamed out to the front of the castle, where on a large open field they found Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli standing by several racks of assorted wooden weapons. Some of the girls swooned, others just began drooling. Behind the men, an archery field had been set up.

"All right. Bob, would you like to demonstrate for everyone a duel with me?" The entire class looked puzzled except for Arya, Galbatorix, and Eragon, who was frowning.

"All right," he said. "But if I beat you, will you stop calling me Bob?"

"Of course," Aragorn said kindly, hiding his grin. Eragon smiled in relief and drew Zar'roc, setting it into the guard position. Aragorn drew Anduril, its blade gleaming in the sun. Just then, Kell rushed up.

"Ah, Legolas, there you are," she called. He turned and smiled. Several more girls swooned and a few began to run forward, but were halted by mini-dragons swooping out of mid-air. "Ooh, duel!" Kell exclaimed. "Just a moment…" Pulling out a spray bottle from her bag, she pulled the trigger.

Nothing could be seen, but suddenly Eragon almost dropped Zar'roc.

"Ow!" he muttered, glaring at Kell. "What'd you do to it?"

"Reality spray," Kell explained. "In real life, you'd have to have serious muscles and have trained to be able to lift that. Of course, in real life you wouldn't a sword prodigy either, but I'm afraid that if I sprayed you with the reality spray at the moment, you'd turn into cardboard." Then she grabbed Legolas' arm and dragged him off, smirking as she muttered to him, half the girls watching her enviously. The other half were too busy watching Aragorn to notice anything had happened.

"All right," Aragorn said happily. "Let's go."

"Aren't we going to dull the edges?" Eragon squeaked in horror. Aragorn rolled his eyes.

"I never did that when I was learning, and I never got anything particularly life-threatening." Gimli laughed.

"Me neither. Well, one time someone almost got me leg off, but I managed to leap back in time."

"Read?" Aragorn said impatiently, and Eragon lifted Zar'roc, wincing at its newly acquired weight, and nodded weakly. Aragorn swung his blade slowly and Eragon blocked it.

Then Aragorn attacked. Eragon valiantly put up an effort- ok, so on the third blow he just dropped Zar'roc and ran as Aragorn landed blows on him with the flat of his sword.

The rest of the class watched in horrified silence.

Aragorn stopped after maybe thirty seconds, regarding the whimpering Eragon with disgust.

"Well," he muttered, "He can't fight and he can't run! I mean, really, you have to be able to do one of them." Turning to the rest of the characters, he snapped out the orders.

"Everybody with a weapon, turn it in to Gimli, then come to Lego-" he paused and squinted at where Kell and Legolas were still engaged in earnest discussion and sighed. "Pick up your weapon from me and then pick a post to stand behind. Bob and Arya- _stay in front_. I want to keep an eye on you two." _Ha! If I was him, I would too… either that or I would realize that Arya might be a threat and Eragon- er…. does not have much trouble-making potential._

The class was very quiet as it filed past Gimli and Aragorn. No one else wanted to be the one who got in Aragorn's way.

After several hours of basic drills, they stumbled out of class, ears still ringing with Aragorn's last (rather dire) words.

"If I find _any_one in possession of _any_ weapon, Miss Kell will have a field day." Arya's brain cell must have finally started working, because she turned pale along with everyone else.

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**Notes**: Sorry it was such a short one. I pretty much transcribed this one straight from my notebook, and it is short there too- maybe I'll figure out a way to enlarge it later.

**Review Answers**:

**LaTuaCatante**: Well, I try to answer them. Thanks for the names! I wonder what your mother would think if she found you reading this? After all, she does own a copy of Eldest. g

**Subieko**: I pity them occasionally… and OH NO, you're right, I DID forget Sloan! I've written him in now- short, but I've begun to have plans for him already. headdesk Gosh that was stupid, I'm glad you thought of him. Thanks for the names! My questions roused many answers.

**PurpleRose**: I'm glad you're still reading, I hope you end up liking it!

**EmyuuRR**: What's wrong with whose characters? Glad you like it!

**Horse Lord**: Why thank you! I'm glad you like it so much. The first two chapters were a bit slow, but unfortunately also necessary.


	5. Alalea and Varda

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 4- Alalea and Varda**

"How could he do that to me?" Eragon fumed to Murtagh as they hurried down the corridors towards History. Murtagh said nothing. "I mean, Bob! Of all names, why did it have to be Bob? This sooo qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment." Still Murtagh said nothing. Seeing as all his energy was concentrated on not going into hysterical laughter, this was completely understandable.

"I agree," Arya said, coming up behind them unexpectedly.

"You do?" Eragon said, astonished.

"Yes. I think he should have picked something more descriptive of you- like, oh, Dimwit, or Knucklebrain, for instance." She giggled as she moved on and Eragon's shoulders drooped.

"I hate these people," he muttered. "I mean, yanking us away from our home without any reason! How could they?"

"Well, at least you can put off that final battle where you die," Murtagh pointed out reasonably.

""What?!" Eragon yelled. "I _**die**_?!?!?!?! When did Christopher tell you _that_?" _Poor, poor children. They have to call their author Christopher. My characters tend to nickname me- like Bets, or Idiot. Most of them prefer Bets, though. Oops, tangent! _ Murtagh shrugged.

"It stands to reason, doesn't it?" he replied calmly. "After all, Christopher's trying to be all original, and how many books do you see where the main character dies?" _I only do that when I'm listening to too much slow, sad music. So not much._

"But… but…" Eragon spluttered. "Angela said I was going to live forever!" Murtagh sighed and pulled his book bag up on his shoulder as they turned into the door of the History classroom.

"I was just trying to be helpful," he said. "By-ah!" And he made a beeline for where his fellow Inbetween students were, leaving Eragon to trudge towards the Hero section in complete despondence. The three teachers on the platform were waiting patiently for everyone to be seated. Gandalf and Dumbledore were conferring quietly together, while behind them Faramir and Elrond sat, Faramir whistling as he watched the students coming through the door and Elrond looking at him disapprovingly. As the last student was seated, Faramir rose and came forward.

"All right," he said briskly, "Everyone get out your copy of the Silmarillion, some parchment, and a quill and ink, please. Make sure you're taking notes carefully." He waited until the flurry of motion died down, and then continued. "Those who pass this class will advance to 'Creating History 403,' in which we will work on creating a viable history for Alagaesia. Not that we expect many of you to pass." He smiled pleasantly at them all, then frowned suddenly. "Elrond," he hissed, and the half-elf came up.

"Yes?" he said.

"I forgot… Kell scheduled a conference with Legolas and me. If I don't attend…" he paused meaningfully. Elrond nodded.

"I'll take over," he said, casting an exasperated look at Gandalf and Dumbledore, who appeared to be discussing the various ways of becoming invisible. As Faramir vaulted down from the platform and ran down the aisle towards the door, mini-dragons formed a guard around him.

When the student's attention had returned to him, Elrond continued where Faramir had broken off.

"The course aims for this semester are to read and thoroughly discuss the Silmarillion in the first six weeks. Then for the next 10 weeks of the semester, we will be looking at Northern mythology- English, Norse, Russian, and Native American, as well as the good world backgrounds in various other fantasies. The spring semester will be spent looking at Asian and Greek mythology. Those who fail this class will have to take a summer course entitled 'History Boot Camp: One More Hit,' under the leadership of Miss Kell."

A slight moan came from the crowd. Elrond took the opportunity of a pause to glare at Dumbledore and Gandalf again, who were now deep in an argument over dragons.

"The school, by the way, will be supplying all of your books. You can find any other books needed for research in the library. If you need more paper, quills, ink, etc., just tell Miss Celia. The grades are O for Outstanding, E for Exceeds Expectations, and then P for Poor and D for Dreadful. For really horrible work, you will be given a T for Troll and a visit to detention." Dumbledore paused in the argument long enough to grin.

"Fred and George Weasley are absolute wizards," he remarked quietly, and Gandalf managed to agree with him before continuing their argument.

"Since this is the first day, we'll be going easy today. All you need to do for homework is read the Ainulindale and the Valaquenta, as well as prepare a list of elements that form a good myth. Campbell's 'The Hero With A Thousand Faces,' which is in the library, might help with that." He paused, still smiling, then snapped, "Well, what are you waiting for? Start taking notes!"

There was a quick flutter of paper as people began to write. Elrond waited for a moment, and then said pleasantly enough,

"So, who would care to give an explanation of Alagaesia's history from the Elvish viewpoint?" From the back a hand shot up. "Oromis, please stand and explain," Elrond said.

"Elves believe that there is no god and that they came from a place called Alalea over the sea," the old elf explained. "They are vegetarians, since they believe it is wrong to take life unnecessarily."

"Thank you, Oromis," Elrond managed to say painfully, his eyes closed. "Gandalf! Make a note to Miss Celia that we've got to convert Paolini from being an atheist." The elves shot up in a body and began to protest.

"Character," Dumbledore said in surprise. "They're actually showing character." He blinked. Gandalf took down the note quickly, but he was choking back laughter at something.

"What's so funny, Gandalf?" Elrond snapped.

"Paolini…" the old wizard chortled. "He's trying to be original by having his elves be atheist, but if you think about it, all the best myths and legends have gods behind them. All of them." Elrond grinned as the bell began to ring.

"Class dismissed," he announced. "Lunch is in the main hall, and then you've got lots of homework to do, I assume. Dinner will be at seven." As the students began to leave, he sat down. "Teaching is exhausting," he said. "Especially teaching people who don't even know how ridiculous they are." He sighed as Faramir came running in, a grin stretching across his face.

"Here," he said, drawing the three of them into a huddle. "Kell told me to tell you something." As he spoke, the other three teachers began to grin as widely as he was.

**Notes**: This is where I reach the end of my already written down material, so stuff might come more slowly now. Any ideas on classes, books, homework, confrontations, and especially Kell's great, wonderful plan are very welcome.

And seriously, this is taking over my life. I had a dream about Eragon last night. I was in love with Murtagh. Who got killed/really beaten up (can't remember which). Aggh!

Wow guys! I'm thrilled and really happy at all the reviews, but it's taking so long to answer them that I can't get it up as fast as I'd like. I probably spent at least half an hour just reading and replying to them, and half an hour writing the actual thing. Then again, it was already in my notebook, so. Oh, yeah, I'm missing one of the grades… you know, O, E?. since I don't have the reference book (it's in OotP, right?) if someone could set me straight on that, I'd love it.

**Review Answers**:

**EmyuRR**: Well, they're cardboard, one-dimensional, flat- did I mention cardboard? Ahem. Agh, I'm so bad at explaining myself sometimes. Most of the time, that is. Probably Paolini's greatest sin, in my eyes, is taking characters, a plot and a setting that could have rocked my world, and writing it in purple prose with stereotypical, ridiculous characters. And then letting the fame go to his head and making the second book _even worse_ (which I, quite honestly, hadn't believed was possible). Eh… if you go to the forums, under fantasy there's a huge thread just on Paolini's books, completely by anti-Paolini people (almost completely, that is). Anyway, if the characters were written correctly, they could have been good, but they _weren't_! When I have more time, I'll try to explain it better.

**Subieko**: Yay! You liked reality spray! That… um… was one of my favorite parts. Ever. I feel like grinning fiendishly now.

**Shadowxwolf**: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Come back for more.

**TheShoelessOne**: Criminal? Oh dear. Now I'm going to be an accessory to crime. Aggh! Glad you like it, and I hope I see you around the forums!

**ItsTeotwawki**: Well, they deserved it. What else can I say? I'm glad you liked it so much. I made it to be funny and enjoyed.

**James-Padfoot**: Hehe… Arya only has one. Right? Right. Everybody agrees, right? Right. (innocent whistling ensues)

**Bubonic Woodchuck**: Yeah, OFU was what gave me the idea. I'm glad you like the idea, and I hope you keep reading it!

**Cinnamon Plum**: Oooh, Maeglin! He would be the perfect tutor for Murtagh! Yay! Thanks so much, now I have another character to mess around with. Murtagh is actually one of my favorite characters- he's one of the only places where Paolini manages to drop some of the purple prose.

**Phoenix**: Snape's class is going to be one of my favorite parts to write. Because he's so fun to write, and- well, cool! Now I know why Rowling kept him around so long. I mean, other than the part where he's an important plot point.

**Svenka**: I already did a mostly indepth reply to your review, but thanks for reading! I hope you keep reading and at least semi-enjoying it!


	6. Homework Shouldn't Send You To Infirmary

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 6- Homework Should Not Send You To The Infirmary**

"This is going to kill my brain," Eragon groaned as his quill scratched across the paper. "Look at all this homework!"

"Yeah, well, it would be easier if you weren't whining," snapped Nausada from across the room, her nose buried in the _Silmarillion_ as she searched for good myth elements in it.

"Just our luck, to get the whiner," muttered Orik, shooting a baleful glare at Eragon as he cracked his knuckles.

"Yeah," piped in Vanir, who for some inexplicable reason was in their Common Room. Eragon blinked.

"Don't you belong in the Inbetween class?" he said tentatively. The elf grinned nastily.

"I was just waiting for someone to notice," he remarked calmly, getting up and walking towards the blank wall that marked the exit. He hurried through the corridors and up to the portrait of the Fat Lady. For some (coincidentally also) inexplicable reason, the Author liked the Inbetweens best of all and had put them in the Gryffindor dorms.

Murtagh looked up as Vanir entered, then growled at the sky,

"Don't worry, I know just why you put us in the Gryffindor Common Room. You're trying to butter me up."

_Am not! Why would I do such a thing?_

"Duh, I can hear you!" Murtagh snorted in deep disgust as he turned back to his homework. "At least you didn't put me with Eragon. I'd have gone mad by morning."

There, see! I am nice.

"Hah," said Murtagh as he hurriedly wrote down yet another reason that Snape was a better Inbetween character.

_I feel insulted. Let's go see the Bad Guys._

"Finally," Murtagh muttered.

The Bad Guys had, amazingly, been put in the dungeon Common Room of the Slytherins, and were quite enjoying the dark looking surroundings- those who weren't busily scribbling down essays and lists of bad guy characteristics and reading books on evil. Galbatorix was pacing down angrily, trying to work out why Durza wasn't with him. He liked hatching plots with Durza, who was mostly quite subservient. But now? Where was Durza? Not helping Galbatorix that was for sure!

"Hey, Galbsssssssssster," one of the Ra'zac hissed. _Ahem! The Author doesn't like putting glottal stops where they don't belong. It'll be fixed in a jiffy…._

"Hey, Galbsssssssssster," one of the Razac hissed. "How's the homework coming?" His companion nudged him and they began to titter, which sounded quite strange coming from their warped bodies. Galbatorix- _oh, the heck with that, it's too long to write_- Galbie, turned and looked at them with a slow dignity that would have terrified anyone in their right mind. Only, Galbie (_or does Galbster sound better?_) wasn't in his right mind, as Paolini seeks so hard to remind us.

After all, who in his right mind orders an entire village killed? For no plausible, foreseeable reason? The Razac shrugged and turned back to the human soldier it was sitting beside.

"Show me how to grip that quill again," it whined, "I forgot already." The soldier sighed and got up.

"Puh-lease, is your brain really that thick?" he said in despair. "This is the tenth time! No wonder the Galbst-" he paused and shot a look at Galbie. "Galbatorix," he amended quickly, "Only uses you for simple tasks. And you can manage to get even them wrong." The Razac were restrained from killing him only by mini-dragons that appeared, sparkling hot pink and flipping vicious burning tails. _After all, it makes sense that the Razac would be scared of fire. Aren't the Nazguls?_

-----------

The staff rooms, located in the Hufflepuff dorms, were filled to the bursting. Legolas was busily scooping soot out of the fireplace and rubbing it into his hair and face. Nobody asked why- with the amount of attacks poor Legolas was getting, it was only normal that he should begin to develop paranoia. Gimli was watching him in amusement and muttering something like 'it is an advantage being a dwarf' over and over again.

Over in another corner, Kell, McGonagall and Celia were huddled, talking together in normal tones. The purple streaks in Kell's hair had been joined by blonde highlights, and her earrings were now big green plastic rings, and her face was a bit more relaxed as she downed can after can of Brisk iced tea.

"Kell, are you sure that's a good idea?" Celia ventured. Kell shrugged as she finished off her fifth can.

"It's good. And a caffeine rush would be really useful tonight. I'm on hall patrol. And they still haven't figured out what a curfew is." The three of them exchanged glances, and Celia said nothing more, even when Kell moved on to Red Bull.

It wasn't until Madam Pomfrey burst into the room that things _really_ got interesting.

------------

"How much homework are these students being given?" she demanded as the four of them hurried along the hallways towards the infirmary, a guard of purple and green dragons surrounding them.

"Oh… I don't know…" McGonagall said a bit vaguely. "I mean, the teachers read the books, and I'm afraid it set them off a bit. And… well…. You know how it goes when you get carried away with righteous indignation." Madam Pomfrey snorted.

"The only time I ever got carried away with righteous indignation is when that fool Lockhart 'healed' Harry Potter's broken arm by removing the bones. And _that_ was worth righteous indignation." She flung open the doors to the infirmary and motioned them to go ahead. Five of the beds were occupied.

"What do they have?" Cecilia inquired.

"Fever, severe headaches, one bleeding nose- I suppose that's a regular side effect of homework nowadays, is it?" She stared at them beadily, and McGonagall shrugged.

"Depends on the teachers. Snape's always given out homework with a rather… vengeful… attitude about it."

"Yes, but I've never gotten this from homework before," Madam Pomfrey snapped.

"If you think about it," Kell broke in, "It's more likely simply that they've never had any homework before. I mean, Eragon can't really read…"

"But he was taught, by Brom, in the books!" McGonagall protested. Celia raised her eyebrows.

"In a week?" she challenged, and McGonagall backed down.

"All right, so he probably can barely read. But still, the others can read. Right?" she ventured.

"They can all read now," Celia said gently. "It was part of the transport spell that we put on them. They can all read English for the whole time they're here. When they go back, though, all their knowledge of our writing system will go 'poof'!" She paused. "At least, we hope," she added, a bit nervously. "This is the first book we've done."

"Well, remember," Madam Pomfrey said as the three companions walked towards the door, "Do try and convince the teachers to keep the level of homework down for the first few weeks. After all, homework shouldn't send you to the infirmary."

**Note**: You know, you guys rock. Thanks for reading this far! This was kind of a tangent of my brain, but a fun one. And it basically fits in, so… Looking back, I sometimes astound myself with my sarcasm… Don't take it all seriously! I do love some of the characters (read: Durza and Murtagh… and occasionally Trianna and Nausada).

**Review Answers**:

**Subieko**: Well, it is first day. I had to go easy on them. Besides, one class that long would take at least a whole chapter. I might do that someday, though. Well… to be fair to Oromis, on the entire Elvish history of Alagaesia. He could probably manage two more sentences if he had to add the human and Urgal history, and a few more if he added dragon and dwarf history and then the dragon riders and the Galbster's takeover. Maybe. Can't wait for the forums to come back up so I can talk to you and Tasha and Gradius and everyone again!

**Kat**: Hehe, that's my sister's nickname! Thanks for the grades, very useful. And I'm glad you liked the story.

**Tasha**: It's always my pleasure to make people laugh. One of my favorites, but I'm afraid I only manage it in parody. And this is one of the few books I can parody, so... And while I'm at it, you can tell your friends I apologize for your random outbursts. Hehe.

**Jax**: That is what I'm going to call you, since the full name is way more difficult. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the name, and thanks for liking it!

**Luthien**: I've read the OFU's and some of their spin-off's, but it was at least a year ago, so the details are a bit foggy. Thanks for reading and reviewing! And it's not really an OFUM spin-off, since it's a reversed situation. But still, anyone who's reading this, I did get the original seed of an idea from the OFUM, written by Miss Cam.

**ShadowxWolf**: The villains… what specifically would you like to see about them? Just curious… I'd love to try catering to my reader's specific interests some, even if it means random tangents. Not that I don't do that already. Glad you like it still!

**Akuzmi**: I love making people's days! And your review made mine, so I suppose we're equal… Potter Puppet Pals is sooo funny, I love them! Hope you come back.

**Nut**: Well, I'm sure there are some people somewhere who would be in tears if Eragon died. I would too, but they would be tears of joy more likely. Um, off-subject. Anyways, glad you liked it! And are you sure T is a grade? I was always under the impression that it was just something Fred and George made up. I mean, if there was a T, Snape would have given it to Harry, right? My reasoning, anyway. I hope you come back and read!


	7. Home Ec Or, The House Elves Revolt

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 7- Home Ec. (or, The House Elves Revolt)**

The next morning, everyone who was able to get out of bed was shepherded to the dining room by mini-dragons, who seemed to have been recruited by Kell for the job. They were beginning to dig into the food lying on the table (except for the Elves, who spent the first fifteen minutes of each meal trying to find food that didn't contain meat), when Celia got up and came up to the microphone (installed specially for those teachers who couldn't use magic).

"Attention, please," she said, her voice echoing crisply above the noise. Everyone looked up, startled by the sudden loudness of her voice. "I would like to notify everyone that over the next three days, each group will be attending a Home Ec. Class after lunch. We, um, had a few problems with the House Elves… you're apparently a bit too messy even for them."

There was a murmur of complaint rising from the tables, but Celia plowed on anyways. She looked over at Kell, who was almost asleep at the end of the table, and then turned back.

"The Evil group will be the first. Today, after lunch, mini-dragons will search out all Evil members and escort them to the classroom. And, please, no more trying to douse the mini-dragons. We do not need more fires. Oh, and one last thing- _please_ try to remember that you are not allowed out of your common rooms past nine o'clock at night." She turned away and walked back to her seat next to Kell, who scooched over some, yawning as she reached for a huge cup of coffee, a special request.

"Kell, you're going to kill yourself with all the caffeine you've been drinking. And no sleep," Celia said reprovingly.

"Well, what makes you think it's going to kill me and not you?" Kell retorted. "You're only two years older. And I've had more experience, what with NaNo and all." Celia scowled as she scooped scrambled eggs onto her plate and took a bite.

"Mmfmf," was all she answered.

--------

Galbie stalked into the classroom that had been designated for Home Ec. and looked around him in complete disgust. Somehow or other, they had managed to change the classroom into a little house, complete with clothes to be washed, dishes to be made, food to be cooked, and frilly curtains.

Shruikan linked to him and looked around in horror.

_If you don't mind, I'll stick with my Dragon History class_, he said, then withdrew from the link.

Galbie snorted, then turned to the door as it opened and more Evil people were dumped in. His class was surprisingly small. The Razac, Galbie, lots of soldiers and some of the Urgals formed the class. _Murtagh and Durza should by all rights have been with him_, Galbie though angrily, _but no, they were dumped into the Inbetween class. What was meant by that? Of course they were evil, they were his minions!_

The door opened again and a gorgeous woman entered, looking remarkably like an older, wiser, and not leather-encrusted version of Arya.

"I'm Arwen Evenstar, or Undomiel if you prefer the Sindarin version," she said, "Aragorn's wife. As I've had almost nothing to do for thousands of years but study, I've learned all about Home Ec. and such things. I've been selected to give you a quick tutorial on cleaning up after yourselves and keeping generally clean." She gave the Razac a disapproving glance as she moved towards the stove.

"Now, you won't need to learn how to cook or wash dishes, but I thought I'd show you dish washing quickly, because I think that's one of the minor punishments- you know, helping the House Elves clean up." They exchanged glances. Hours of dishwashing was considered a minor punishment?

"Now," Arwen continued. "Dishwashing is actually quite simple. Just scrub the dishes with the soapy water and cloth, and then dry them- and try not to break them. Here, each of you wash one dish, all right? I'll dry them."

One by one, they shuffled up to the sink and carefully scrubbed their dirty dish clean before handing it to Arwen, who inspected it and then wiped it dry.

"Well," she said as she placed the last dish down, "That was…. Umm… all right. Now let's move on to washing clothes." She led them towards the small 'back yard,' where several scrubboards were set up in buckets, and beside each one of those, a fire with a cauldron of hot water over it. "Right," Arwen said, attempting to be bright and cheerful, "Everyone, pick a cauldron, take the measurer and jar of white powder, and put one scoop in."

"What's it for?" said one of the soldiers, completely baffled.

"It will clean your clothes," Arwen explained, pointing to the pile of dirty clothes beside each cauldron.

""

""

"" (Editorial note: Censored for completely inappropriate material. Contact the author for additional explanation.)

Arwen looked shocked.

"My, my," she said, "We can't have such language here." She paused, a bit flustered, and rearranged her hair. "Now, take your clothes and put them in the water and start stirring it with the paddle." She moved among them and eventually came to Galbie's pot. Peering in, she frowned.

"Umm…." She said unhelpfully. "Why do you have pieces of rag floating in your water? Did you tear it up before you put it in?" Galbie shook his head.

"Of course not," he said, contriving to look innocent. Arwen looked at him dubiously.

"Umhmmm…" she said. "How much of the powder did you put in?"

"All of it," Galbie said defensively. "After all, if one cup cleans your clothes with work, shouldn't all of it do even better?" Arwen covered her eyes and shook her head."

"All right," she said. "We'll learn how to pick up a room, and then we're done." Somehow she managed to sweep them through the room and finish picking up the house within ten minutes. As they hurried out, relieved to have time to finish their homework, Arwen sank into a chair.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" she muttered.

**Note**: Thanks **shadowxwolf** for the idea that spawned this chapter! I love you guys… I'd throw you some chocolate and candy and cookies, but I'm afraid it's impossible. So you'll just have to imagine I did. And keep on giving me ideas!

**Shadowxwolf**: As you can see, I took your idea… any more? You're now officially a 'faithful reader.' Thanks for the review!

**Subieko**: Well, they're back, but they take forever to load for me (and I don't have dial-up, either!).Well, the Inbetweens just… um… have better characterization (which means they actually have some) and so forth. (hugs beloved Inbetween characters) Never will I leave you! Never!

**Tris'LightningQuill**: Well, I'm not really sure. I think they're kind of a mix, because I know I don't approve of movie!Murtagh while book!Murtagh is very cool. And Arya… (shudders). Well, really, the only reason she is in the book appears to be to lose an egg, get rescued and be the Love Interest. So I feel I can disrespect her, but oh well. That's kind of the point of a parody, right? And I'm tangenting, sorry. Yes, I've read Inheritance. I'll read the third when it comes out- how long it will take me to read it is another matter completely. And Eowyn and Arya? Brilliance! Sheer brilliance! (begins concocting evil plan)

**LaTuaCatante**: That part always has bugged me, the whole 'I learnt to read in a week!' thing. While doing swordfighting and magic practice and exploring a city. Uh-huh….

**Alsdssg**: Well, Ron will come in later, but I had Harry curse because- it isn't him. I don't think that was a very good explanation, but oh well. Go Snape! I was sooo glad in the seventh book when (cough cough mutter mutter whisper whisper). Oh, Roran! Ummm…. (frowns and shuffles through papers). Thanks for pointing out my mistake, I'll have to figure out something for him to do. Any ideas?

**Immortali**: (wide grin) I'm glad you like it! And I'd go for Murtagh any day. Legolamania ruined Legolas for me. (sighs)

**Kat**: Just, er, don't tell them where it originated. I don't want the entire teacher's guild of America or something converging on me.

**ItsTeotwaki**: With the Whomping Willow? (wide eyes) But I could never be that cruel to my poor characters! (scribbles down a note) Which one?


	8. Home Ec Installment 22

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 8- Home Ec. (Installment 2.2)**

Bob rubbed the back of his head as he looked uncertainly around him. The kitchen had several various pots, barrels and casks out, and Arwen was seated at the table, a flask of something in her hand. She looked up and hiccupped.

"Hi," she said. Bob sat down, looking around uncertainly.

"Hi," he answered. She frowned, looking at him, and then her eyes narrowed and she stood up.

"You're Bob?" she asked.

"Umm… actually, I'm Eragon," Bob said.

"And I have to teach you?" She sat down again and took another swig out of the flask. "Well, if Aragorn can, I can. But I swear, if you so much as look at me wrong," she finished, leaving it off ominously.

"You're a woman," Bob scoffed. "I mean, I know Arya's incredible and all that, and Angela, but that's only because Paolini rocks." Arwen's eyes widened.

"You haven't read Lord of the Rings, obviously," she said. "If you had, you'd know that Eowyn killed the Witch Queen, and that Melian was the one who wove the Girdle around Doriath, and that Luthien defied Morgoth, the Dark Lord. And besides, they're much stronger than Arya really. It has to do with realism. You aren't realistic enough- that's why Kell could technically turn you into cardboard with that spray she has." Bob shuddered.

"Oh. Hi, Brom," he said, attempting to look cheerful as the man stumbled in. "Um, aren't you supposed to… you know…" Bob mimed stroking a long beard and Brom frowned.

"They said the Jeremy Irons version was cooler. I liked my beard," he added grumpily. Arwen passed him the flask.

"Here," she advised. "It helps when you have to do something that's beyond ridiculous. Or deal with it." She shot a glare at Bob as Brom took a drink.

"What is it?" he gasped, giving her the flask back. "It's… so… strong!"

"Wine from Dorwinion," Arwen said. "I brought my own special stock along."

"Oh. Right." Murtagh walked in, brushing cinders off of his clothes.

"You told them they could do whatever they wanted with me, didn't you?" he said, addressing the ceiling again.

Never. Why would I do something like that?

"Gee, 'cause I can hear you, and that's a threat?" Murtagh yelled back.

It's not like anyone else is going to believe you. So why does it matter?

"Whatever," he growled, stumping towards the table and sitting down. Roran came in then, shaking his head.

"I swear, that Kell!" he muttered.

"Miss Kell," Arwen corrected.

"Whatever," Roran said, unconscious of how apelike he sounded, since Murtagh had just said that. "I mean, all I did was say to Eragon that I would really like to kill the Razac!"

"Bob," Arwen corrected. Roran gave her a funny look.

"What?"

"His name's not Bob, it's Eragon," she said wearily. "Sure, I'm immortal, but did you have to make me waste this much time with _them_?" she finished, looking at the ceiling.

You aren't supposed to be able to hear me!

"Why not?"

Because I AM THE OMNIPOTENT NARRATOR! I RULE THE STORY!

"You're pathetic."

Yeah? Well then how come people seem to like my story, hmmm?

"This is so humiliating," Murtagh said, putting his head down on the table.

"What did she do to you?" Bob asked Roran.

"Scolded me something fierce," Roran said.

The narrator winced.

"Shut up," Murtagh said, not raising his head.

"What?" Roran asked.

"She's laughing at you."

"Who?"

"The omnipotent narrator."

"_Who_?"

"The person making this happen!" Murtagh yelled, standing up and shoving his chair back. "I swear, if you don't shut up, I'm going to-"

"What about Miss Kell?" Roran taunted.

"It's for a good cause," Murtagh said calmly. "She'd understand."

"Okay, okay, I'll stop talking!" Roran muttered. Murtagh did a happy jig. More and more good characters poured in as the mini house magically expanded to fit them all. As the last one (an Elven soldier) was tossed in, Arwen stood up.

"All right, class," she said. "I figured I'd start with the same things I taught the Evil class yesterday, and then do some cooking, too, since after all, you go on all those looong, epic journeys." Only Murtagh and Brom noticed that her voice practically reeked of sarcasm. Which was probably a good thing (only them noticing, not the sarcasm- although the sarcasm was a good thing too).

The rest of the class went fine up until cooking. As she went among them, supervising them as they began to mix flour, water and salt together to make flat bread, there was a huge kaboom, and a cloud of white dust began to envelop them all.

"Who did that?" Arwen said, managing to sound so impressively mad that Bob was quivering in his feet as he answered,

"Me."

"Who's me?" Arwen yelled.

"Eragon."

"I should have known it would be Bob," she remarked to no one in particular. "All right, everyone out. Come on, we don't want anybody asphyxiating. Not that you know what that means." She quickly ushered everybody out. As Bob tried to walk through the door, however, she yanked him back. "Where do you think you're going?" she demanded. "You've got to help me clean up!"

It was almost three hours later that he emerged from the classroom, covered in flour, soap, dirt and charcoal. Arwen came out behind him, closing the door, still as beautiful as ever, having taken a shower while he cleaned.

**Note**: Thanks for the flour exploding idea goes to Subieko and Immortali! (gives them thumbs up) Sorry for the wait. Oh, and I'm trying to pretty much use you guys' ideas, because I want to write stuff that people will like. On a completely different matter, it's my birthday today! Yay! (throws confetti)

**Review Answers:**

**Fynhavir**: Gosh I love your name! Sorry, had to say that. I'm glad you like the story!

**Tris'LightningQuill**: I think after this I'm just going to call you Tris. It's easier. Do you mind? Or do you have a different nickname you'd rather I call you? Yeah, Miz Kell is very mine. She's kind of the me I'd be if I wasn't under my parents thumb. And Celia is kind of like my big sister. I'm glad you like it so much! I'll try to keep your faith in humanity in upkeep. Lol.

**Alsdssg**: Hmmm… have you got a nickname I can call you? I'm glad you liked the Arwen + Home Ec. thing. It just seemed fitting.

**Subieko**: Getting covered in flour is funny. I need to do a chapter on the dragons soon, any ideas? Hehe… Despite my great love for the Inbetween characters, even I have very little defense for them. But they've got the beginnings of a second dimension, so now I'm going to work on a third dimension for them. (evil plots begin to happen)

**Horse Lord**: Glad you enjoyed! Anything in particular you'd like to see?

**Geekmage**: Glad you like it!

IHateSeverusSnape: How? How can you not like Severus Snape? He's such a good character! In reply to your review- well, I can't help it that you don't like parody. And it doesn't really belong in crossovers, I think. I was wondering when I'd get my first flame. I mean, it is a kind of controversial subject.

**StarWarsNut**: Oooh, Mary Sue litmus tests! (big eyes) Oh my word, that will be so much fun! Thanks for the idea!

**Immortali**: I have no clue if that's spelled right, and thanks for defending me. I had so much fun coming up with the Inbetween's text book title. Hehe! I like the minidragons too, though the original idea was whoever wrote the Inheritance OFU. I like your name too, it's cool. Does it have a specific language of origin or meaning?

**MrPowell**: I can't wait to write something along those lines! I never thought of the giant squid or mermaids before, but that would rock! Oh, and the ghosts too!


	9. An Interlude

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 9- An Interlude**

The Omnipotent Narrator (hereinafter referred to as the O. N.) tapped her chin thoughtfully as she tilted her chin back, staring at the (almost) blank screen before her. She didn't have much time to write this wonderfully funny story right now, considering that in less than a week it was NaNoWriMo. And this year, she had two stories to write.

Sighing, she aimlessly tapped her fingers on the keyboard, staring at the random combinations of letters popping up on the screen, then backspaced and deleted them all. As she poised her fingers to begin again, Bob wandered in and looked at her disconsolately.

"You mean, you aren't going to write about me any more? Ever again?" he said, beginning to sniffle. "Now I do have something to angst about! You were giving me a second dimension!"

"I didn't mean that, I just meant I'd have to put you on hold for a month!" the O. N. protested.

"You're breaking the Fourth Wall," Murtagh said.

"Where'd you come from?" the O. N. demanded, surprised.

"Oh, here and there," he answered, waving his hand carelessly.

"He never answer questions!" Kell said angrily from her comfy seat on the sofa. The O. N. looked around the cluttered room in dismay as it filled up quickly but silently.

"You're my alter ego!" she sputtered to Kell. "You aren't supposed to be able to come here!" She stared as Brom began carving the post of her loft bed. "None of you are!"

"Well, as soon as it sounded like you weren't going to write us anymore, we decided we had to change your mind," Celia said.

"Oh crap. If my sister sees you, I am soo dead. My parents will flip. She'll flip. You look just like her!" Celia waved it off.

"It's okay, we aren't really here."

"I've had delusions before, but not this bad," the O. N. said. "I am the Omnipotent Narrator! Get back in the story!" She made shooing motions with her hands but no one moved. "I'M IN CHARGE OF YOU!!!!" she yelled, then sank back in her computer chair as they all stared at her.

"Only when we're in the story," Kell pointed out sweetly, and the O. N. glared at her.

"You, my friend, are getting a makeover when you get back. You're too much like me."

"But that's good when I'm in the story, remember?" Kell answered.

"The jeans were comfortable," Roran said, speaking for the first time.

"That was in the movie and a total travesty," the O. N. said absent-mindedly, now staring at her loft bed post, which was rapidly taking on fanciful carvings of dragons and roses. "You aren't allowed to wear jeans- you're fantasy people! You're from Umlaut-aesia!"

"Umlaut-aesia?" Arya said. "Huh?"

"Grammar nit-pick," the O. N. said. "And I thought you hated me. You too, Bob."

"I do," Arya said casually, "but it's easier to avoid Bob in Hogwarts than it is in Ellesmera." The O. N. nodded uncertaintly.

"Uh-huh," she said.

"And I came because Arya did," Bob said, almost swooning as he gazed at Arya.

"Dude," the O. N. said, "quit stalking the girl. Seriously. It's kind of creepy."

"But… lots of leather… black hair… emerald eyes…." Bob said... "Really tight lea- ow! That hurt!" he complained, rubbing his cheek. Arya glared at him. "Really red cheeks," Bob added.

"That goes for you as well," the O. N. said, biting back a laugh as Bob's cheeks turned bright red under the influence of Arya being really ticked off.

"Brom- don't you hate me? I didn't give you a beard!" the O. N. protested.

"Well, it's kind of cool to be… you know… younger," Brom said, looking shifty-eyed around him.

"Well, all right," the O. N. said, giving up and poising her fingers over the keyboard again. "I guess I'll keep writing. But you'll have to wait over November and not bother me, okay?" They all nodded solemnly, and she grinned. "Now- any ideas before I banish you back into the story?" she said happily. No one spoke, and as she began to type, everyone vanished slowly, Murtagh and Kell the last one to find their way out. Murtagh grinned at her as he left, and she grinned back and blew him a kiss.

"See you, Omnipotent Narrator," he called back, and then was gone, vanished into the story again. Her grin turned diabolical as the words rolled out from under her fingers.

**Notes**: Err… that was kind of a random chapter. Unless I have more time this week than I think I will, this will be the last chapter until after Nov. So you might want to put it on Story Alert so you'll be notified when I start work again. For anyone who wants to know how my NaNo is going, I'm (hopefully) going to be keeping a journal of my experiences at wokmistress. Love y'all! Sorry, but the chocolate is being saved for NaNo. (diabolical grin)

**Review Answers**:


	10. So It's A Drinking Game? Home Ec 23

Inheritance Character Correction University

**Inheritance Character Correction University**

By Kaldaka

**Chapter 10- So, It's a Drinking Game (a.k.a., Home Ec. 2.3)**

The O.N., being one of those people commonly known as procrastinators and having obtained internet on her writing laptop, had written very little but RP posts for the past… oh, four months or so.

This was how she found herself facing a group of very angry characters- probably the closest to 3-D she'd ever seen them. It took almost fifteen minutes of frantic reassurance that she'd do better to make them agree to return to the story…

* * *

Murtagh sauntered into the small house-like classroom, hands in the pockets of his…. Oh, yup, those are jeans. He smiled at Arwen, who somehow managed a gracious smile in return. She stuffed the bottle in her hand into a cupboard, which appeared to be well-stocked with other bottles of… Murtagh squinted. Dorwinion….? He couldn't read the rest of the label, but his homework had advanced to reading the Hobbit now, and he knew very well what Dorwinion wine was like.

Arwen's voice was kind of slurred when, with the whole class assembled, she ran every one through the basics of cleaning and cooking, even though she didn't allow anyone a practical.

"All right," she said finally. "We have just enough time for me to take you back one by one and show you how to wash clothes." She looked around. "Murtagh, please come with me." He whispered something to the Urgal next to him, and then gave Arwen a long, slow wink, flustering her as she held the door open and they went through together.

As soon as the door closed, the urgal Murtagh had whispered to stealthily made his way towards one of the cabinets, opening it to reveal the bottles of Dorwinion wine. He grunted in joy, just as Legolas walked into the classroom.

"What's that?" Legolas said, looking slightly disconcerted at the huge stack of wine. The Urgal was opening other cabinets now, each one stuffed to the limit with some sort of alcoholic substance.

"Drinking game!" roared the Urgal. "We hold drinking game!" He grinned and held up the bottle he had grabbed, the other Urgals gathering around him.

"Oooh, I love drinking games!" Legolas said happily. "Can I play?" The Urgals looked at each other and made noises that sounded suspiciously like laughter before nodding and shoving a bottle into Legolas' hands.

"One… two… three… go!" roared one of the Urgals, an older one who had apparently been set as 'referee.' All of the Urgals began downing wine, along with Legolas and Durza, who had for some reason decided to join them.

They were half-way through their second bottle when Arwen came back in with Murtagh, He grabbed the first bottle he said, yelled something about joining in to the referee, and downed it in one gulp.

"Ohhhhhnooooo!" wailed Arwen. "Where are the min-dragons when you need them?" Miss Kell dashed in, wok in hand, and then started giggling.

"Oooh, it's just too funny," she said to Arwen. "You brought all of this from ME? Shocking they haven't discovered it by now." She wiped tears from her eyes as one of the Urgals began hopping up and down, making a sort of bellow. Kell guided Arwen to a seat and sat beside her, pulling out paper so that they could play tic-tac-toe while waiting for the drinking game to finish.

It was almost forty-five minutes later that Legolas began to stagger about woozily… and then he started singing.

Nobody had expected this.

"'Cause since the day I left Milwaukee…" he began in a discordant, completely off-key voice. He paused to take another swallow of beer. "Lynchburg, and Bordeauuuuuuuuuuuuuuux, Fraaaaaaance… I've been making the bars, lots of big money… and helping whiiite people daaaaaance!"

Kell's eyes widened as she grabbed Arwen's hand and pulled her up.

"I don't want to see any more," she muttered. "Come on! Let's go!" And so they fled, leaving the room behind them to its doom. As they door slammed, a mirror shattered somewhere, and a few last discordant notes followed them.

"You'll have some of the best times you'll never remember with me…."

"I hope he doesn't remember this," Kell said with a laugh. She made a motion to the squadron of mini-dragons. "Don't stop the fun, just keep deaths to a minimal please!" she shouted to them as she continued to pull Arwen along behind her towards the teacher's area.

**Note**: The title is from TTT EE, during the infamous scene where Legolas drinks Gimli down. So of course I had to include Legolas in the scene…. Hehe. Oh, and credit for the lyrics to Legolas' song go to Brad Paisley, who wrote the song 'Alcohol.' Quite a good song really. Very sorry for taking so long to get back to this… _sighs_… didn't mean for the sabbatical to be this long. But like said, internet on the writing laptop tends to distract someone as good as procrastinating as I am.


End file.
